we're back to small big wins
august had been full of work suspensions because of the extreme weather brought by the southwest monsoon. granted, i currently am not really handling a lot of projects so when they’ve announced alternative work set-ups (aka working from home) it meant days off for me.
looking back at my daily time logs, half, if not most, of the month either had no work or shifted to remote work. and yet, on the first day of being back in the office, i felt a panic attack that made me want to flee back to safety as early as 9 in the morning.
i tried to wait it out and promised myself that if i still feel like bolting by lunch, i’d leave then. things got a little better when i took my emergency medicine on an empty stomach1 and i managed to hold on until an hour and a half before i’m supposed to clock out.
i had an even more shitty day after that, which is a separate story on its own. but safe to say i was almost convinced that somebody hexed me2 or something, and told my mom that i will not be coming to work the next day — damned if i get a salary deduct3.
when i finally got home, i took more medicine, a shower, and went to bed decided that i will skip work the next morning. but then i woke up, — weirdly energized and motivated — went to work, and managed to actually function properly and finish a lot of tasks.
it was a very good day to say the least.
until the next day when i wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. not because i was embarrassed by something, but purely because i wanted to feel anything.
i blame this 100% on the brand of fluoxetine that i still keep taking even though my shrink and i have established that it isn’t working anymore only because i’ve already bought two boxes and i refuse to believe that my own body is subconsciously working against me.
but i’ve made it through the week without absences and as of writing this, i just got home from work and am about to rest for the (long) weekend. to celebrate, i headed to starbucks to claim a my free drink (i recently received a long receipt) and took home a slice of new york cheesecake for my mom.
i’m ready to rest and binge watch an unhealthy amount of x files again.
sidenote: i finally caved in and put my blog to lowercase entirely. i used to fight the urge because i wanted to take my blog “more seriously”, but really, my enemy is my own judgement. it feels more comfortable to write in lowercase and i think i’m done trying to curate my blog into keeping only fully realized ideas of mine. expect more nonsense writing from me for now on :D
this is not a medical advice. please consult your doctors with whatever meds you may also be taking.↩
kulam or black magic is a common supernatural concept here.↩
this is one of the major tell-tale signs of my depressive episodes or as my best friend and i would call, my 'lazarus phase'. i grew up grade-conscious and rule-adhering to a fault, but at my worst i am brain empty and ready to throw it all out.↩