when it is, indeed, all in your head
This is less of a blog post and more of a journal entry. I just got off my psychiatrist a few minutes ago. I had about three major updates for him, one of which was that Prodin hasn’t been working for me for the last month and a half, and I’ve been in my longest depressive state so far.
A bit of a background - I’ve been medicated on and off for years. I’ve cycled through different SSRIs, and then different brands of specific SSRIs. Early last year (I think) my shrink and I finally figured out the optimal SSRI concoction for my body. 20mg fluoxetine, specifically Prodin, two capsules a day. I’ve never felt more consistently stable. This discovery decreased the frequency or our sessions from monthly to bimonthly. I finally felt like I was progressing.
Late last year, I started receiving free medicine from our city’s health department. Oxestal. I didn’t have any expectations. I was ready to go back to Prodin after a couple of weeks but it worked better than I hoped. Better than Prodin. And so I decided to maintain it.
But last month, the health dep suddenly stopped with the supplies. They said there were no stocks left for the month. I tried to ask if I can buy that specific brand from anywhere (because the box literally says property of the health dep and not for sale). They were unresponsive.
I messaged my psychiatrist mid-February and we’ve decided for me to temporarily go back to Prodin. Only this time, it doesn’t work anymore.
This time, I had expectations. Prodin has never let me down, unlike Motivest.
So when it failed and may-or-may-not caused my longest depressive state ever, I told this to my doctor and asked, “Is this nocebo?”
To which he laughed and said, “Perhaps.”
And thank the heavens above my camera was off for this session, because I don’t think I would have controlled my face when my own psychiatrist (indirectly) told me it’s all in my head.
Oh, your body’s suddenly rejecting medication that used to work? It’s because you’re subconsciously and obviously unaware that you’re perceiving your old medication to be incompetent in favor of the new, free medicine!
I’m not mad at him. In that moment, I just found it incredibly ridiculous. Hopelessly ridiculous. It’s not just the universe working against me1 — my body and mind now, too.
My doctor’s solution was for me to go to the National Center for Mental Health to check if I could purchase that specific brand. He said update him as soon as possible. If not this week, then early next week. Otherwise, we’ll have to try yet another brand. How do I do that if I’ve been catatonic for an entire week? I couldn’t even feed myself to the point of passing out due to low blood sugar. Even standing up makes me feel so tired.
God, I am so tired.
On another note, it is now later in the afternoon as I continue writing this. I managed to push myself out of the house to do a grocery run. It took multiple back and forths of whether or not I should just order my groceries online. Ultimately, I made it out. I felt like I lifted some weights. And I feel so stupid because the moment sunlight touched my skin, I instantly felt better.
I hate this stupid illness and every stupid thing that helps.
Okay, this is a hyperbole. Sure, I sometimes wanna die but I’m not that egoistical to think that the world would conspire, so much as notice, something as miniscule as me in the grand scheme of things.↩