the constant urge to start all over again
I've always liked change. Not like in a spontaneous 'let's pack up and move to another town' way, although that may be a bad example because I'd love to do that one. I guess rather than to frame it like that, it's more accurate to say that stagnancy makes me a little crazy.
I feel excited whenever my mom goes to rearrange the furniture, or when I transfer to another book tracking site1 and I get to log and reorganize my books all over again.
An unfortunate side effect of this is that I also like scrapping things away and starting all over. When I told my best friend I wanted to delete my Animal Crossing: New Horizon (2020) save, she told me how, despite years of deeply knowing each other, she's still intrigued by my ability to just chuck things out.
I tried junk journaling and that lasted a total of two A6 pages filled. I went back to either giving receipts to her whenever we're out together or just putting them to the trash straightaway.
I'm not a sentimental person in that way. I like change. I like starting all over again.
Which is why right now I have this very strong urge to either sunset this blog and make a new one, or unpublish all my posts from the past. It itches a part of my brain that couldn't be scratched, the way all my past post were written like a word vomit. With barely any thought at all. Like a madwoman who has gotten ahold of internet and a keyboard.
I'm gearing towards the latter. But it's a Sunday night and one must begin her 8-hour mental preparation (not including sleep, which probably gets less time than that) for another week at work.
Edit: Less than 5 minutes after I've published this, I skimmed through my past posts to determine which ones to unpublish. But it turns out they were okay, after all. It's just my mentally ill brain trying to sabotage my life again and fuel my hate for my writing, which is not news to me.
So.
a never-ending problem for me↩