sounds like you're doing things in the hardest way possible
Right now I am sitting cross-legged on the couch. I don't remember how long I've been in this position, but my legs are dead and I can already feel the painful pins and needles that will attack my system once I finally stand up.
On my right is a stack of paper I've wasted in my quest to figure out how to batch print my microbial physiology reviewer back-to-back1. Haku is trying to harass Mowgli while waiting by the screen door for my mom to come back. On my left is my Kobo, where I've just finished reading Mockingjay2.
I wasn't planning on writing on my blog again. I was supposedly on a mission to stay focused, which is why I have not spoken to my best friend for almost a month. My phone is a wasteland of offline apps with all distractions uninstalled. Every hour of my life for the next three months have been accounted for, and I was not supposed to waste any second dilly-dallying3. Except today I had to skip work because I was getting the worst of my venlafaxine withdrawal.
All my life I've had nothing but a single gameplan: all or nothing. It worked pretty well for me, as a hailed academic achiever once upon a time, until I got sledgehammered by the reality that sometimes, despite giving it your all, you're meant to fail.
Somewhere between the chaos of graduating high school, losing friends, and surviving a literal pandemic, that gameplan morphed into "I should be able to prepare with my optimal capabilities to ensure a near-100-percent chance of success, or not try at all". This reminds me of the Boov philosophy from the movie Home (2015). If I were an alien, I'd probably be a Boov.
Of course, I know at the back of my head that that should not be the case. I mean (scoff, eyeroll) I am on therapy. I can recognize when I'm evading, or doing wrongful self-hate speech (believe me) (no, seriously, believe me, Dr. J please don't bring out the chair again--). Statistically speaking, that would've meant I'd just sit and rot in my room like that piece of Cheetos that got stuck behind my desk which I've never bothered to take out. I was hoping the ants would do the job for me.
But I've had proof that success could still be achieved despite the gameplan from hell. That's how I got my dream job, remember?
So why am I stressing, creating spreadsheet after spreadsheet, having a gazillion study trackers, and crunching the numbers that would indicate my chances of passing the licensure exam (I'm bad at math btw) all while having a full-time job, three mental illnesses, and just recently a gentle rejection from a weird crush I had?
I'm having the time of my life!
Today I am anxious and tired4 and was going through my dust-accumulating blog when I came upon a note regarding troubleshooting a code on my Neocities, in which someone from Reddit replied:
[...] it also sounds like you're doing things in the hardest way possible.
I try my best not to give myself "special treatment" and at the same time, acknowledge that I am chronically disabled. That almost always guarantees that I will never be able to "prepare with my optimal capabilities". But has anyone ever did? I guess perhaps in my head other people had better starting points and are more likely to win in the same games I'm in. But that's a myth5. No one was ever born ready for the shitfuck that is living in this lifetime.
So I guess I'll just do my best. And my best does not always mean my 100%.
I will still be printing back-to-back copies of future reviewers from this review center I've enrolled in, but I won't crucify myself for choosing to rest on a Friday night rather than annotate and make Anki decks.
On a side note, you know what? I'm having freaking venlafaxine withdrawal. I should be resting on a Friday night.
For this exact reason, I got a new printer. But I was too broke to get one with a duplex feature.↩
In preparation for the release of Sunrise of the Reaping movie next month.↩
Read: doing anything else other than studying.↩
But productive. I printed a couple of Kobo inserts heh.↩
There are a lot of exceptions for this statement. I guess this came from the point of view of living in a third world country and hoping to do more than just survive with the current state of everything.↩