reality bleeding
hello?
for weeks, i’ve been slowly losing grip on reality. i wasn’t looking much into it — i didn’t want to make it real. i’ve mentioned depersonalization a few times to my psychiatrist and no matter how much he affirms that i was, in fact, experiencing depersonalization, i still don’t think it was real. but lately, i remember dreams as memory and memory as dreams. i don’t remember what happened to me yesterday, the things i’ve done, and yet the horrible haze i’ve dreamed of haunts me still even when the day is about to end.
last night, it was this: i was screaming and trembling on the ground, bleeding. i could barely open my eyes but i saw that no one was there. not even addie, whom i was expecting to see. and then somebody — i think 🚬 — carried me to the clinic. they told me i’ve done things that in my dream i don’t remember doing. what i’ve been so afraid of is finally happening — my mind fracturing, reality bleeding into itself until i can no longer see where it ends and begins.
do you know that feeling when you repeat a word over and over again it becomes meaningless? that’s how my everyday feels like. my hands are no longer my hands and my limbs have a life of their own. it’s like i’ve been given eyes just to witness, yet nothing to control. my body is trembling, swaying, rocking, like i was on a raft drifting endlessly in water. the ringing in my left ear never stops, and i swear it can tell when i’m listening — it gets louder and louder.
sometimes i wonder about the point of it all. if this has an ending, or if one day i will just cease to exist. not die, but just disappear. if one day i’d melt and reconstitute myself to this plastic chair where i sit every day while staring blankly at my laptop for the past months, waiting to be distracted pixel by pixel. if my journal were found and if somebody understood. it’s like my soul is dying even when i’m physically still here. how shall i start to make you see?
i can touch this surface and still feel nothing. almost as if i, too, were made of
nothing.
This piece was originally posted on Substack on June 22, 2025 and migrated to BearBlog on March 19, 2026.