muay thai & the dip i was expecting
TRIGGER WARNING: This post has mentions of self-harming ideation.
I left the gym after my fifth session today thinking, Shit. This'll be my last.
This was the first time I went alone, because I skipped yesterday's schedule. The warm-up consisted of squats, box jumps, and knee kicks. I forgot what Coach said was our focus today before I started hitting. I knew I entered that session with a blank mind.
And then that bled through my stances and hits. I was called out for not being on my guard more than fifteen times. I felt weaker than in the previous sessions, and Coach saw it, too. "What, are you already tired?" he asked during our fourth or fifth set, to which I only wordlessly nodded. He gave me more time to rest before our final set, and I really did my best, but he said I was malamya1; my punches and kicks were awkward. And at some point, he even asked, "What's with you today?"
Well, what was with me today? The quickest and simplest answer is that I am on the second day of my period.
But the longer, more shameful truth is that I didn't want to go to the gym in the first place. I wanted to do something else. I wanted to break my 6-month clean streak (my PR, so far). It was one of those sneak attacks. Because lately, physical activity has really been working for me, I've told both my psychiatrist and psychologist. And then there it is again on a random Thursday. For a second, I really considered doing it. But then I realized I can shed sweat instead.
It was a quick window. That drive will be there one second and then disappear. But I was able to grab my hand wraps and shoes rather than that unholy first aid kit. I walked to the gym, did squats, jumps, knee kicks, punches, kicks, elbows, got home, and went with the rest of my day without blood escaping my skin.
I am writing this instead of undoing all my progress. I'll still call it a win.
I knew Muay Thai wouldn't all be sunshine and daisies. There will be days when I just won't be my best. I did consider quitting (and it's not off the table yet), but not without trying for one more time. One more session to know if I really want to stop, and then I can stop. And who knows? Maybe after that I can also still do one more.
Right now I'm looking at swimming, biking, and/or walking as alternatives for physical activities in case Muay Thai really does not work for me. Something which won't involve me interacting with another living being or having another person measure my progress.
Maybe it's just my period. Or my SSRI fucking up again. Or just a plain bad day. But I did not break my clean streak today.
The closest translation I can think of is soft or weak.↩