dear future self, from age twenty-three
it’s been a while since i’ve last written a letter to the future. i started at age fourteen and halted after age eighteen. i thought i’d give it a try again.
dear future self,
hello, how are you?
i honestly don’t remember the structure i’ve tried to follow in my last letters, but those were years ago. i’ve changed so much and sometimes i still can’t believe it. i’m in my room typing this down using a mechanical keyboard that i’ve impulsively bought over a month ago. that is an issue you’ve had since the past couple of years — retail therapy and impulsive buying. within my vision is haku trying to sleep and a Libertea jar with a finished UCC matcha latte.
right now, i think i’m in that sweet spot at the end of a long recovery. recovery from undergrad, thesis-writing, internship, job-hunting, a failed attempt at the boards, mamila’s death. before i’ve never thought that it would just click one day when you realized that you’re fully rested and you’re ready for the next chapter of your life. i’m in there right now. and as much as i don’t want to sound like i’m challenging the universe to give me everything it got (please, no) i also want to acknowledge this new energy i’m having.
i live with my mom, and haku, and mowgli. i still sleep in the triple decker, on the middle bunk. my sister’s studying somewhere far away (like 200km away), and i’m working in an agency i’ve only once dreamed of. do you remember that? way back in college, when you were walking inside the [redacted] compound to submit your scholarship periodic report, you once wondered how it would be to work there. i am here now.
i’m a bit overweight at the moment, despite me (temporarily) stopping taking antidepressants and antipsychotics. it’s the lack of movement overall, really. i want to get more fit, but i also am learning to love my own body. it sounds cliche, but bare with me. i still haven’t done that dental procedure that i’ve been deferring for years. but i will definitely do it early next year, if not before the year ends. i have shoulder-length, jet black hair, the natural color. although i plan to dye it brown with highlights again in the near future.
my best friend (and hopefully yours, still, in the future) is A. that might come a bit of a shock, since you always thought you and K would be together until the end of the line. but well, life’s like that sometimes. i’m wondering if you and future A ever fulfilled your dream of sharing an apartment? did you at ever fight about your hoarding vs throw-everything-away life principle while living together, at least once, just as we’ve predicted it? do you still feel lonely sometimes?
have you finally fallen in love?
i know, i know. i roughly remember past me writing to the future me (which can also be present me right now) about being in love with that boy. i really knew nothing back then. i hope you’ve finally held hands with someone. or at least learned to be vulnerable with other people. have you finally become soft, just like what you’ve always wanted?
my biggest question is, did you finally take and pass the board exam? i hope you did. i’m trying my best to study during this time. i hope i don’t fuck it up. i really, really wish you passed it on your first take.
i turn twenty-four tomorrow and i’m excited and anxious about what’s ahead. what do you mean i’m in mid-twenties now? last time i checked, i was nineteen in the middle of a pandemic. this is more for me than for you, but i hope you still remember that it’s okay to be young and competent (you don’t have to act twenty years older just to be taken seriously) and that you have so much more time.
i hope you’re happy. because i am.
with love,
[sy], age twenty-three